October 15 Wave of Light

Miscarriage is all too common.  One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.  One in four is not just a statistic, it's me.   I'm speaking out on this sacred day.  October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I'm here to speak out and say I have lost two babies to missed miscarriage.  This is a topic which is not talked about enough and parents who are suffering such a great loss are made to suffer in silence.   Please take a stand to spread awareness and to remember all the babies who are gone too soon.  

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Myths About Grief

Day 3: Myths About Grief

An idea or story believed by many people but is not true.  

1. Miscarriage is not the same as losing a baby that you've held in your arms.  

Losing a baby in any way is completely devastating.  The pain and grief of a pregnancy loss is equally significant to a loss of a child that has been born.  For me it's harder because I had no baby to physically hold and grieve.  It was too early to know the sex and we have no names for them. 

2. At least you have other kids, enjoy the ones you have.  

Just because I have other kids does not mean the babies I lost do not matter.  They were alive and we had hopes and dreams for each of them.  Other kids we've had before or after the ones who have died will never replace them.  Ever.  

3. You shouldn't talk about it.  

How do I know this is one many believe?  Because in the last 10 yrs since my first miscarriage, no one has brought it up.  In the last 2 yrs since my last miscarriage, the only one who constantly asks me if I'm sad my baby didn't make it is my 5 yr old daughter.  Talking about it helps.  Asking me about them helps me to know they mattered and that you acknowledge their existence.  This in itself is such a special gift.  

I know some who would rather not talk about it and that's their personal choice.  To acknowledge a baby who was lost can never hurt.  Unless the parent tells you they'd rather not talk about it, don't stop asking them and keep speaking their child's name.   Although here for a short time, these babies were here for a reason.  

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Identity

Day 2: Identity.  My babies do not have names.  Both were lost by missed miscarriage meaning they died inside my body and were discovered with no heartbeat during an ultrasound.  We decided to let both pregnancies pass naturally.  The first took two and a half weeks.  Baby left us on January 12, 2004 at 11-1/2 weeks gestation.  The second took one day.  Baby left us on December 30, 2011 at 9-1/2 weeks gestation.  Since it was so early and we did not know the gender we did not think to name them.  To us they are our angel babies and refer to them both as "baby angel Lee".  Lee is our last name. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1: Sunrise

October 1, 2013

6:50 a.m. Mililani, O'ahu, Hawai'i.  

Capture Your Grief

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Carly Marie of Project Heal is doing a capture your grief project.   I invite you to join in and share your story in this unique way.  Go here to read each daily prompt in further detail.  

Suddenly it gets harder to breathe...

Today, I am missing my 2 angel babies.  While searching through pinterest I came across these words which hit me hard.

There will always be a mix of emotions when I remember my babies.  It comes out of nowhere.  Including on the long drive to the hospital where I was heading to on March 20th to help deliver my granddaughter.

The loss, grief, pain, sadness, emptiness... yet the overwhelming joy of how much those two angels have changed out lives.  Because of the short time they were with us, not only have my husband and I been changed forever but we are helping others with our story.

The grief of losing a child, even at 11-1/2 weeks and 9-1/2 weeks gestation/in-utero, will always bring a huge wave of all kinds of emotions.  This I believe is the blessing that they have brought to our lives.

Today my heart is hurting, my eyes are filled with tears and in this moment I am trying to catch my breath.

xo

Pregnancy and Infant Loss || Overwhelming Response and Gratitude

This month, Sarah {from Fontenot Four} and I have joined together to bring awareness to others in this blogging community and to be a support and encouragement to other women who have experienced the devastating loss of a baby whether during pregnancy, stillbirth, or after the birth of the baby. It can be a very isolating experience, and we want you to know that if you have experienced such a loss, you are not alone. On October 15th, Sarah and I hosted a very special link up. This link up was for us to share our stories of loss, no matter how recent or how many. Whether your loss is new or you have been on a journey of healing for some time, we welcomed all to join in our link up. We wanted to provide a place to share your stories because you just never know when something you share might have a profound impact on someone who is traveling a similar journey.

I wanted to thank you for your overwhelming response to the Remembering Our Babies Pregnancy and Infant Loss Series. I was completely overwhelmed by the individual personal stories that were linked up on October 15th. Although my grief was so overpowering and my loss so great, many of you have experienced much worse. My heart aches for each of you. I did not expect the impact this series and link up would have on me. Each of your stories and your babies have made an impact on my life. My heart is full learning about each of them. I am grateful that God has allowed them in our lives even for such a short time. Their lives have made a big impact on this world. By telling our stories, they continue to live and touch others.

It is my hope that this series has impacted everyone.  For those of you who have lost a baby to know you are not alone.  Perhaps to have gained some insight to the purpose your baby had even for such a short time.  For those of you who have not suffered loss but know someone who has, that this series has brought clear awareness about the magnitude of grief and isolation losing a baby does to a parent.  No matter if a few weeks pregnant all the way to a few hours or a few years post-partum, the pain is so great and that baby was here for a reason.  Please take the time to reach out to those around you, it is a silent grief and just being there will mean the world.

Thank you Sarah for suggesting this powerful link up. You are such and encouragement and inspiration.

If you have not yet visited our link up, you can do so here.

To read the series thread, you can do so here.

If you would like to share your story and have not linked up, please do so or you can email me at alittlepieceofme.salena@gmail.com.

Remembering Our Babies || National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2012

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Sarah from The Fontenot Four and I have come together this October to bring awareness to this special topic.  If you have only joined us now I welcome you to read my thread here and Sarah's thread here.  For more information on October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day you can read about it here.

October 15th is a day set aside to remember all the babies who have gone too soon.  Whether by miscarriage, still birth, birth complications, SIDS, etc.  Losing a child is something you are never prepared for and most times the loss is a silent one.  Some women do not want to talk about it, others are forgotten because in some cases there is no physical baby to grieve.

I have lost two babies.  Both by missed miscarriage in the first trimester.  Although my babies were with us for such a short time, I am forever changed by having them living inside me.  The hopes and dreams for my babies that my husband and I dreamed about from the moment we were aware of them in my belly, were stripped away from us in an instant.  This is where most of the grief hits when you lose your baby by miscarriage.  I did not know the sex of my babies.  My babies were delivered at home while I was alone in my bathroom.  I was never asked to save anything from my first miscarriage but my second one I did.  Unfortunately what I thought was the baby was not.  We will never know the sex of our babies or why they had died so soon.  A part of me wants to know and my heart hurts that we could not name our babies because we don't know.

We have never had a memorial service or any kind of remembrance ceremony for our babies.  Last year was the first October 15th that I lit a candle for my first baby, and my two grand babies.  This year, we are adding our second baby.

I have always been torn on how to remember them and who to involve.  Because honestly it seems like only I remember them.  Aleshanee and Dakota talk about our most recent baby that was lost.  They ask me all the time if I'm sad that my baby didn't make it.  It breaks my heart but it fills my heart with love knowing that they remember.  They are the only ones who ask me how I'm doing and if I'm sad.

I wrote about my miscarriages and I invite you to read about it here:

Remembering Our Precious Baby

I Hold Your Heart In Mine... We Lost The Baby

It helps me to share my story.  My babies are a part of me, they were here, they were loved.  The first time I shared about my miscarriages I was flooded with women who have never spoke about their losses.  They tell me how brave and courageous I am to share about my story, something so heartbreaking and special.  I am not brave nor courageous for doing so.  For me, I'm the type of person who needs to talk it out.  I want to share my story to help others know they are not alone.  There is hope and healing will come.

I talk about my babies to keep them alive.  They have a story to tell, they were here for a purpose.  When I speak about them, they give other grieving mothers hope and faith.  They help others to be strong when their life is crashing around them from something so heartbreaking nothing can erase.

Those women who came forward and opened up to me about their losses, some for the first time they have said a word to anyone... those are the brave and courageous ones.

Blessing Flag via

Today I Honor:

My babies

Baby Lee (01/12/2004) due August 4, 2004

Baby Lee (12/30/2011) due August 2, 2012

My grandbabies

Elijah White (2009) due April 26, 2010

Baby Evangelista (2011)

Sarah and I would love for you to share your stories if you are open and willing to share. Your children are not forgotten and we want to remember and celebrate them with you today. Their lives will always hold a special place in your hearts and they will always have meaning. If you don't want to share your story, please feel free to remember your angel babies in the comments below. Whether you comment as "Baby", "Baby Boy / Girl", or with the name you chose for them, along with their dates if you choose, they are remembered today.


Your precious babies are remembered, honored, and celebrated today.


Thank you so much for sharing such a personal piece of your story with us today.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss || When You Lose A Baby

When my husband and I lost our first baby in 2004 we were completely devastated.  It hit us like a freight train.  It was like the entire world had crashed around us and we didn't know what to do.  The feeling of complete loss and despair was so overwhelming, I felt like life had stopped.

At our 5 week ultrasound, the doctor could not find a heartbeat.  With many repeat ultrasounds during the next 4-1/2 weeks, it would not be till 9-1/2 weeks that we would find out our baby had died and had not thrived at all.  The pregnancy had actually reversed and all pregnancy symptoms had faded.  It was considered a missed miscarriage.  Which means the baby dies and no one notices till later on.  I opted to let my baby pass naturally.  I would go on carrying my baby 2 more weeks with no signs of a miscarriage.

I remember the day it started.  The pain was so intense.  No one told me that having a natural miscarriage would be EXACTLY like going into labor and giving birth.  I felt so alone.  I was at home and it was a horrible experience.  Human instinct kicked in and my body took over.  I am surprised at how well I handled it but it was excruciating just like delivering a full term baby.

The emotional roller coaster from finding out we were expecting after years of infertility, tests, procedures, surgeries, fertility drugs, and fertility specialists, to having a miscarriage was so hard.

Most recently, we lost our last baby on New Years Eve 2011.  This baby did have a heartbeat and was thriving well.  At 9-1/2 weeks after having cramping and a little bit of spotting, I went to my doctor to check it everything was ok.  During the ultrasound we all noticed our baby did not have a heartbeat.  My doctor said our baby didn't make it.  We had our 3 little girls with us so I went in and did the scan alone.  I remember walking out to meet my husband and girls in the waiting room and just hugging him and crying;  We had the girls so we did not have time to grieve or take the time to just be together and talk about it.  I agreed with my doctor that if my baby did not pass naturally in a couple of days that I would go back and have the D&C done.  I wanted to see if it would happen naturally but did not want to go through waiting 2 weeks like the first time.  That evening it started.  It lasted for 24 hours up to New Years Eve just before midnight.

One day I am planning and expecting a new addition to our family, the next day we find out our baby died and then it's over.

When you lose a baby...

There is no way to fathom.

There are no words.

There is no explanation.

You NEVER expect it.

You will never think it will happen to YOU.

I love this post by Franchesca from Small Bird Studios   She sums up very nicely what I have felt.  Check it out and don't forget to grab our button below.

This month, Sarah {from Fontenot Four} and I are joining together to bring awareness to others in this blogging community and to be a support and encouragement to other women who have experienced the devastating loss of a baby whether during pregnancy, stillbirth, or after the birth of the baby.  It can be a very isolating experience, and we want you to know that if you have experienced such a loss, you are not alone.  This October 15th, Sarah and I will be hosting a very special link up.  We want to use this link up as a way for us to share our stories of loss, no matter how recent or how many.  Whether your loss is new or you have been on a journey of healing for some time, we welcome you to join in our link up.  We want to provide a place to share your stories because you just never know when something you share might have a profound impact on someone who is traveling a similar journey.

Please feel free to grab a button to help spread the word!

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