Pregnancy and Infant Loss || When You Lose A Baby

When my husband and I lost our first baby in 2004 we were completely devastated.  It hit us like a freight train.  It was like the entire world had crashed around us and we didn't know what to do.  The feeling of complete loss and despair was so overwhelming, I felt like life had stopped.

At our 5 week ultrasound, the doctor could not find a heartbeat.  With many repeat ultrasounds during the next 4-1/2 weeks, it would not be till 9-1/2 weeks that we would find out our baby had died and had not thrived at all.  The pregnancy had actually reversed and all pregnancy symptoms had faded.  It was considered a missed miscarriage.  Which means the baby dies and no one notices till later on.  I opted to let my baby pass naturally.  I would go on carrying my baby 2 more weeks with no signs of a miscarriage.

I remember the day it started.  The pain was so intense.  No one told me that having a natural miscarriage would be EXACTLY like going into labor and giving birth.  I felt so alone.  I was at home and it was a horrible experience.  Human instinct kicked in and my body took over.  I am surprised at how well I handled it but it was excruciating just like delivering a full term baby.

The emotional roller coaster from finding out we were expecting after years of infertility, tests, procedures, surgeries, fertility drugs, and fertility specialists, to having a miscarriage was so hard.

Most recently, we lost our last baby on New Years Eve 2011.  This baby did have a heartbeat and was thriving well.  At 9-1/2 weeks after having cramping and a little bit of spotting, I went to my doctor to check it everything was ok.  During the ultrasound we all noticed our baby did not have a heartbeat.  My doctor said our baby didn't make it.  We had our 3 little girls with us so I went in and did the scan alone.  I remember walking out to meet my husband and girls in the waiting room and just hugging him and crying;  We had the girls so we did not have time to grieve or take the time to just be together and talk about it.  I agreed with my doctor that if my baby did not pass naturally in a couple of days that I would go back and have the D&C done.  I wanted to see if it would happen naturally but did not want to go through waiting 2 weeks like the first time.  That evening it started.  It lasted for 24 hours up to New Years Eve just before midnight.

One day I am planning and expecting a new addition to our family, the next day we find out our baby died and then it's over.

When you lose a baby...

There is no way to fathom.

There are no words.

There is no explanation.

You NEVER expect it.

You will never think it will happen to YOU.

I love this post by Franchesca from Small Bird Studios   She sums up very nicely what I have felt.  Check it out and don't forget to grab our button below.

This month, Sarah {from Fontenot Four} and I are joining together to bring awareness to others in this blogging community and to be a support and encouragement to other women who have experienced the devastating loss of a baby whether during pregnancy, stillbirth, or after the birth of the baby.  It can be a very isolating experience, and we want you to know that if you have experienced such a loss, you are not alone.  This October 15th, Sarah and I will be hosting a very special link up.  We want to use this link up as a way for us to share our stories of loss, no matter how recent or how many.  Whether your loss is new or you have been on a journey of healing for some time, we welcome you to join in our link up.  We want to provide a place to share your stories because you just never know when something you share might have a profound impact on someone who is traveling a similar journey.

Please feel free to grab a button to help spread the word!

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