A Little Piece of Me: pregnancy loss

Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Myths About Grief

Day 3: Myths About Grief

An idea or story believed by many people but is not true.

1. Miscarriage is not the same as losing a baby that you've held in your arms.

Losing a baby in any way is completely devastating. The pain and grief of a pregnancy loss is equally significant to a loss of a child that has been born. For me it's harder because I had no baby to physically hold and grieve. It was too early to know the sex and we have no names for them.

2. At least you have other kids, enjoy the ones you have.

Just because I have other kids does not mean the babies I lost do not matter. They were alive and we had hopes and dreams for each of them. Other kids we've had before or after the ones who have died will never replace them. Ever.

3. You shouldn't talk about it.

How do I know this is one many believe? Because in the last 10 yrs since my first miscarriage, no one has brought it up. In the last 2 yrs since my last miscarriage, the only one who constantly asks me if I'm sad my baby didn't make it is my 5 yr old daughter. Talking about it helps. Asking me about them helps me to know they mattered and that you acknowledge their existence. This in itself is such a special gift.

I know some who would rather not talk about it and that's their personal choice. To acknowledge a baby who was lost can never hurt. Unless the parent tells you they'd rather not talk about it, don't stop asking them and keep speaking their child's name. Although here for a short time, these babies were here for a reason.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Suddenly it gets harder to breathe...

Today, I am missing my 2 angel babies. While searching through pinterest I came across these words which hit me hard.

There will always be a mix of emotions when I remember my babies. It comes out of nowhere. Including on the long drive to the hospital where I was heading to on March 20th to help deliver my granddaughter.

The loss, grief, pain, sadness, emptiness... yet the overwhelming joy of how much those two angels have changed out lives. Because of the short time they were with us, not only have my husband and I been changed forever but we are helping others with our story.

The grief of losing a child, even at 11-1/2 weeks and 9-1/2 weeks gestation/in-utero, will always bring a huge wave of all kinds of emotions. This I believe is the blessing that they have brought to our lives.

Today my heart is hurting, my eyes are filled with tears and in this moment I am trying to catch my breath.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss || Overwhelming Response and Gratitude

This month, Sarah {from Fontenot Four} and I have joined together to bring awareness to others in this blogging community and to be a support and encouragement to other women who have experienced the devastating loss of a baby whether during pregnancy, stillbirth, or after the birth of the baby. It can be a very isolating experience, and we want you to know that if you have experienced such a loss, you are not alone. On October 15th, Sarah and I hosted a very special link up. This link up was for us to share our stories of loss, no matter how recent or how many. Whether your loss is new or you have been on a journey of healing for some time, we welcomed all to join in our link up. We wanted to provide a place to share your stories because you just never know when something you share might have a profound impact on someone who is traveling a similar journey.

I wanted to thank you for your overwhelming response to the Remembering Our Babies Pregnancy and Infant Loss Series. I was completely overwhelmed by the individual personal stories that were linked up on October 15th. Although my grief was so overpowering and my loss so great, many of you have experienced much worse. My heart aches for each of you. I did not expect the impact this series and link up would have on me. Each of your stories and your babies have made an impact on my life. My heart is full learning about each of them. I am grateful that God has allowed them in our lives even for such a short time. Their lives have made a big impact on this world. By telling our stories, they continue to live and touch others.

It is my hope that this series has impacted everyone. For those of you who have lost a baby to know you are not alone. Perhaps to have gained some insight to the purpose your baby had even for such a short time. For those of you who have not suffered loss but know someone who has, that this series has brought clear awareness about the magnitude of grief and isolation losing a baby does to a parent. No matter if a few weeks pregnant all the way to a few hours or a few years post-partum, the pain is so great and that baby was here for a reason. Please take the time to reach out to those around you, it is a silent grief and just being there will mean the world.

Thank you Sarah for suggesting this powerful link up. You are such and encouragement and inspiration.

If you have not yet visited our link up, you can do so here.

To read the series thread, you can do so here.

If you would like to share your story and have not linked up, please do so or you can email me at alittlepieceofme.salena@gmail.com.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Remembering Our Babies || National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2012

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sarah from The Fontenot Four and I have come together this October to bring awareness to this special topic. If you have only joined us now I welcome you to read my thread here and Sarah's thread here. For more information on October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day you can read about it here.

October 15th is a day set aside to remember all the babies who have gone too soon. Whether by miscarriage, still birth, birth complications, SIDS, etc. Losing a child is something you are never prepared for and most times the loss is a silent one. Some women do not want to talk about it, others are forgotten because in some cases there is no physical baby to grieve.

I have lost two babies. Both by missed miscarriage in the first trimester. Although my babies were with us for such a short time, I am forever changed by having them living inside me. The hopes and dreams for my babies that my husband and I dreamed about from the moment we were aware of them in my belly, were stripped away from us in an instant. This is where most of the grief hits when you lose your baby by miscarriage. I did not know the sex of my babies. My babies were delivered at home while I was alone in my bathroom. I was never asked to save anything from my first miscarriage but my second one I did. Unfortunately what I thought was the baby was not. We will never know the sex of our babies or why they had died so soon. A part of me wants to know and my heart hurts that we could not name our babies because we don't know.

We have never had a memorial service or any kind of remembrance ceremony for our babies. Last year was the first October 15th that I lit a candle for my first baby, and my two grand babies. This year, we are adding our second baby.

I have always been torn on how to remember them and who to involve. Because honestly it seems like only I remember them. Aleshanee and Dakota talk about our most recent baby that was lost. They ask me all the time if I'm sad that my baby didn't make it. It breaks my heart but it fills my heart with love knowing that they remember. They are the only ones who ask me how I'm doing and if I'm sad.

I wrote about my miscarriages and I invite you to read about it here:

Remembering Our Precious Baby

I Hold Your Heart In Mine... We Lost The Baby

It helps me to share my story. My babies are a part of me, they were here, they were loved. The first time I shared about my miscarriages I was flooded with women who have never spoke about their losses. They tell me how brave and courageous I am to share about my story, something so heartbreaking and special. I am not brave nor courageous for doing so. For me, I'm the type of person who needs to talk it out. I want to share my story to help others know they are not alone. There is hope and healing will come.

I talk about my babies to keep them alive. They have a story to tell, they were here for a purpose. When I speak about them, they give other grieving mothers hope and faith. They help others to be strong when their life is crashing around them from something so heartbreaking nothing can erase.

Those women who came forward and opened up to me about their losses, some for the first time they have said a word to anyone... those are the brave and courageous ones.

Blessing Flag via

Today I Honor:

My babies

Baby Lee (01/12/2004) due August 4, 2004

Baby Lee (12/30/2011) due August 2, 2012

My grandbabies

Elijah White (2009) due April 26, 2010

Baby Evangelista (2011)

Sarah and I would love for you to share your stories if you are open and willing to share. Your children are not forgotten and we want to remember and celebrate them with you today. Their lives will always hold a special place in your hearts and they will always have meaning. If you don't want to share your story, please feel free to remember your angel babies in the comments below. Whether you comment as "Baby", "Baby Boy / Girl", or with the name you chose for them, along with their dates if you choose, they are remembered today.

Your precious babies are remembered, honored, and celebrated today.

Thank you so much for sharing such a personal piece of your story with us today.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss || What Not To Say

I am a mother of 8 children. 6 on this earth and 2 in heaven. My first 3 were given to me when I was very, very young. My 3 little girls were given to me after years of secondary infertility, which included our fist miscarriage. Our most recent miscarriage happened 9 months ago.

Today I'm sharing the insensitive words that have been said to me. Well meaning words but hurtful. It is hard enough for some women to open up and talk about their loss. When we are faced with these types of words from our friends and family, it's understandable why it's hard to open up.

Words that have been said to me:

At least you have other children : My other children have nothing to do with the baby that was lost. My baby was a living being who existed for a purpose.

Be grateful for and enjoy the children you already have : Just because I am grieving for my baby that was lost does not mean I'm not grateful for and enjoying my other children.

It wasn't meant to be : And you know this how?

At least you know you can get pregnant : This is true, after all the infertility stuff we went through but it is irrelevant to the loss of my baby.

Each pregnancy is a life. One that changes the man and woman forever from the moment you are aware of their existence. All these things that were said to me dismissed my broken heart and grieving for my baby. When you suffer a loss so great as losing a child, THERE ARE NO WORDS. Period! No matter how well intended those words are.

Some suggestions if you know someone who has lost a child:

Validate: acknowledge that it happened

Meals: set up a meal schedule with friends and family and drop off meals for the family for at least a week

Ask: how can I help you? Does it help to talk about it or would you rather not? Know I am here when you are ready to talk.

Pray: Everyone grieves differently. Pray for comfort and strength.

Notes: I'm praying for you. Thinking about you. You are on my heart. I'm here for you.

Remember dates: date they lost their child, birthday of child, due date if had a miscarriage.

It is a big deal: don't make light of it by ignoring what has happened. Be there for them even if it's sitting in silence or just listening.

"I don't know what to say, but I'm here": This means all the world.

Some suggestions if YOU lost a child:

Talk to someone: Find someone you trust and share your feelings, get it out.

Ask for help: If you need to, ask a trusted friend or family member to make calls for you if you need help with cancelling appointments or gatherings. If you have other kids and need a break. Some people won't know what your needs are so tell them. If they ask, take them up on their offer. They are willing to help, let them.

Take all the time you need: I made the mistake of going back to work and not taking the time my body needed to heal. I was also not ready emotionally or mentally to be anywhere but in bed.

Some helpful posts from others:

Stop Saying That!!!

What I Want You To Know

Surviving The Loss Of A Child Handbook

What Not To Say To A Miscarriage Survivor

This month, Sarah {from Fontenot Four} and I are joining together to bring awareness to others in this blogging community and to be a support and encouragement to other women who have experienced the devastating loss of a baby whether during pregnancy, stillbirth, or after the birth of the baby. It can be a very isolating experience, and we want you to know that if you have experienced such a loss, you are not alone. This October 15th, Sarah and I will be hosting a very special link up. We want to use this link up as a way for us to share our stories of loss, no matter how recent or how many. Whether your loss is new or you have been on a journey of healing for some time, we welcome you to join in our link up. We want to provide a place to share your stories because you just never know when something you share might have a profound impact on someone who is traveling a similar journey.

Please feel free to grab a button to help spread the word!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss || They Have A Story To Tell

My 2 babies I lost by missed miscarriage at 11-1/2 weeks and 9-1/2 weeks were here for such a short time. In that time they have impacted me, my husband and our families. They brought love, hope, faith, and closeness. There is a reason for their existence, they have a purpose. We will never be the same because they came to us and because they were taken so soon. Every time I speak about them, they are alive. They touch lives and hearts of others even though they are not physically with us. They have taught us compassion for others who have suffered loss. They have shown us that even though losing them was beyond what we could bare, that God is faithful and brings us through it. We have learned how strong we really are and that we are capable of going through hard things. Unfathomable things.

Some women do not like to talk about their loss. Some want to talk about it but have no one to turn to. Like me, I love to talk about my babies, what I went through, the emotions and memories. This is what helps me.

When I first spoke about my miscarriages here on this blog, there was an overwhelming response by women who have had miscarriage, sometimes several but have never told anyone. I felt so incredibly sad. There are more women out there than we know of who feel isolated and alone. Suffering and grieving in silence.

When you have a miscarriage, there is no physical baby to grieve. Nothing you can do to provide closure. During the days, weeks, months, sometimes years, we are faced with people who ask us how our pregnancy is going, how our baby is doing, magazine and online subscriptions showing up in our mailbox, and relatives and friends who live far away who ask how old our baby is now. I have had it all. It never gets easier to have to tell others that our baby died during pregnancy and it was so long ago.

When these things happen, it's like our babies are giving us little hugs by remembering them. Either with someone who has newly lost a baby or by explaining to someone that our baby had died. Every time we talk about it we are remembering them and they are telling their story. Their story, that they were here, they existed. The story of their brief existence will heal hearts and give hope to others.

Sometimes just for the mere fact that they are not alone.

We welcome you to share your story...