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Saturday, December 31, 2011

i hold your heart in mine... we lost the baby


I love this necklace.  I came across this a couple of months ago and the words hit straight to my heart with what we went
through with my first miscarriage.  It's fitting now as well.

Last night we lost our baby.


I was having bleeding and cramping the day before so my doctor had me come in early the next morning.  As soon as he did the ultrasound I could see for myself there was no heartbeat that was clear as day the week before.  My doctor took a while to say anything to me, taking his time to double check and make sure of what he was seeing.  He told me there was no heartbeat and that my pregnancy looked smaller even from the week before.  He finally spoke up and told me it looks like the baby died.


I had already suspected since I was bleeding, cramping, and some of my pregnancy symptoms were subsiding.  The regression of symptoms is something I recognized from my first miscarriage.
rewind...
Last week Thursday I had my first prenatal appointment to check how my pregnancy was going.  I got to see baby for the first time by ultrasound.  I also got to see baby's heartbeat fluttering on the screen.  The first thing my doctor said was that I did not look 8 weeks and 1 day but like 6 weeks.  At that moment I already felt something was not right.  He said that I could have ovulated later than usual so we would just watch the pregnancy and come back in 2 weeks for a follow-up.  Baby Hayden was small too.  Throughout my entire pregnancy with her all medical staff and specialists would double check and ask me when was my LMP.  She always measured small and everyone was concerned.  Because of this I did not worry too much but still thought something may be wrong.


We had our girls with us so my husband waited in the waiting room with them while I went in myself to get checked and to hear the sad news.  I surprisingly took it well.  I told my doctor I was okay because I already suspected something wasn't right.  He told me that sometimes when we experience pregnancy loss it's hard to get fully excited and hopeful and stay guarded.  I guess that's what I was doing because with my last 3 pregnancies I did the same thing.  It was very hard to truly enjoy it and to believe it was actually happening.


My husband and I had a very brief moment when I went out to him in the waiting room.  I looked at him then I broke down and cried.  I shook my head and told him "baby died".  There were other people in the room so I swiftly gathered up the girls and rushed outside and to the car.  The whole time they are asking and tugging on me to see what happened.  At the car I told them that the baby didn't make it.  I told them the baby died and so we are not having having another baby.  They seemed to understand but not sure at 6, 4, and 2 yrs old what that would mean to them.


It seems to me like they understand better than we think because since then, they have been horrible.  Their behavior, attitude, tantrums... it's been crazy.  Rudy and I have not been able to have a moment alone.


Baby passed last night at 9 weeks and 2 days with me alone to the sound of the girls on the other side of the door screaming and fighting and my husband trying to handle them alone.  It's enough to make me want to scream, both of us actually.  I know that it's not just me or us going through this.  It's all of us.  There will be no moment for just the 2 of us because it's our family who is dealing with this loss.  Subconsciously my girls are sensing something is off and they don't know how to express it.  For the most part they seem fine but after my 6 year old had 2 major tantrums, one right before baby passed and one as soon as we woke up in the morning... she asked me "why did the baby die?"  It broke my heart.  I know it must be related.


I have been receiving lovely messages from many of you asking me how I"m doing and you may have noticed a lack of reply or vague responses if I did respond at all. This is the reason behind it.  I wasn't sure what was going on after last weeks appointment so I didn't know what to say.


I want to thank each of you for your thoughts and wishes for our family with baby.  The love, excitement and support for baby showers and baby sitting even if we have never met or live miles and miles away, meant so much to me.

For now, we are okay.  I''m sure with time, as my husband and I do have our moment alone after the girls have settled, things may be different.


Source: google.com via Jennifer on Pinterest


I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  I also believe God knows what we can and cannot handle.  I trust HIM and know HE is in control.  Maybe that's why this time I am handling it a lot better.  I have no idea.


Thank you for your love and support.
xoxo, Salena s
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27 comments:

This Crazy Little Nest said...

Praying for you!!

~Angie
www.thiscrazylittlenest.com

Kim Sasse said...

Salena,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful baby is now in a far better place than we can imagine. I hope you find comfort in this time. Your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.
Kim

Amanda said...

NO! I'm SO SO SO sorry! Prayers for you and your family!

Lisa @ Organized Chaos said...

Salena....I'm so sorry! I'll say a prayer for you...I hope that you will find comfort and healing in the days to come. ~ Lisa

Lacey said...

Salena,

I am so, so sorry! I know it is a heart wrenching thing to go through and that only time will heal the wounds. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you and Rudy are able to get a moment to yourselves soon.

xoxo
Lacey

Nicole said...

Salena, I am sooo so sorry for your loss and my heart is very heavy for you.
I've had goosebumps reading this - my very first thought this morning was you "something is wrong with Salena". I have been checking your page all day for something from you with a lump in my stomach.
I had a dream about a baby boy last night and them had a terrible feeling that something was wrong with you.
I believe things happen for a reason and that there's bigger plans for your baby.
You know I am here if you need me.
Love always xx

Pidg said...

Oh Salena I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about staying guarded...and I'm very familiar with the feeling of knowing something's just not right. You're in my prayers. Use this moment to just love on your girls...they can heal you even with all of their troubles, those lil varmints are still close to Heaven :)

Favreau ~ SSC said...

Dear Salena, I hope that you and Rudy will be able to continue on and know that you are blessed with the little ones that you are raising now. It is very sad that you lost your baby. Having your ultra sound and seeing your baby's heart beating last week and then having another ultra sound and seeing no movement is devistating.
I hope and pray that you both will find your strength through God. Know that he is in contol and life continues on and your young daughters will bring much continuous happiness into your lives for years to come. :0). Wishing you a great new year and one filled with much happiness and blessings. I love you! Mommy

Ronni @ Anywhere Is said...

{{{{{Salena}}}}}

Kim said...

So sorry to hear this, you are in my thoughts!!

Jessica Muoio said...

Salena,
Praying for you & the family. I know you will get through this, you are all very strong.
Have a happy new year.
I love you very much dear friend,
Jess

Beth @ Through the Eyes of the Mrs. said...

I'm terribly sorry and I will be praying for you and the family. I hope you two get the chance to just be together and grieve. xoxo

the lowes said...

so sorry friend, I went through this a year ago and it was so difficult, so I understand the feelings you must be having. prayers for healing and peace to you today and in the times ahead...

Lacee said...

Oh Salena my heart is absolutely crushed for you. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little baby. Sending love, hugs and prayers to you and your family. xoxo

Katie said...

So sorry for your loss. Praying that God will comfort you and your family.

Nats Knapsack said...

I am SO sorry for your loss!! It is such a hard thing to go through! Praying for you and your family!

Ashley said...

Salena, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am at a loss for words, but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Reannah @ {Shaped by Grace} said...

Salena, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It is so true what you said that God has a plan for you and your family. I will pray for you guys and your girls that you are able to get through this difficult time together and with peace. You are an amazing mom and woman. Much love, Reannah

Karen said...

I am giving you a huge virtual hug right now. Wish I could be there to comfort you as you go through this process. You are right, He is in control and this is part of the plan. Even though it doesn't seem to make sense, it will. Much love and prayer for you and your family Salena.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry for you and your family! I will definitely pray for you all when you come to mind! God is with you all right now, even if it seems chaotic.

Nay said...

My love and prayers are with you...wrapping a big virtual hug on you RIGHT NOW...

C a m i l l e said...

Very sorry to hear. Love to you and your family at this time.

-Camille
GGA

Jordan Marie @ hottlt.com said...

I'm sorry friend. I lohve you! <3xojo

Tracy Jensen said...

Sweet Sweet Salena.....I just saw this post ( :( ) I've been out of the blog loop. I am so very sorry to hear about your baby....I will be keeping you in our prayers...that the Lord will hold your tender heart in His hands.

((Hugs))

Sue said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find the comfort and peace that you need right now.

Tina said...

I found your blog through Bits of Splendor. I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry. I had a miscarriage last summer. It was our second baby. We have a daughter who is 4. My due date with that baby was just 6 weeks ago - and I still keep getting emails from cord blood donation sites, formula coupons, etc. Ugh. Awful reminders. I wrote about my miscarriage on my blog:


http://ttbowtique.blogspot.com/2011/10/pregnancy-and-infant-loss-my-story.html

Thanks for sharing your story.

Nicole Marie said...

So sorry for your loss. Will think of you!