Saying goodbye...

Early Tuesday morning I got a phone call from my daughter with the sad news that their Grandma passed away.  This is their dad's mom, my ex-boyfriend's mom.

When I was 16 years old, my oldest daughter and I went to live with them.  She treated me like I was one of her daughters, always, even after her son and I broke up.  I always called her mom and she always referred to herself as mom when she called me or on cards.

When I married my husband, she treated him like her son-in-law.  Referred to herself as mom.  She was Grandma to my 3 little girls and there was never a question of who was related by how and who where what why.  It was only in March of this year that my little girls found out how she is related to us.  They didn't care because there is no difference.  Their family has always loved me, my husband and my little girls the same, equally as they loved my older kids and their own family.  All these years my little girls  thought my husband was their 3 older sibling's father.

She took in my oldest daughter when we hit a very rough patch with her and did the same, treated her like she was her own.  Same with my son, she took him in when he had no where to go during a very traumatic time in our family.  Same thing, treated him as her own.

She has taken on so much for me and my kids and I feel like I did not thank her enough.

Just like when my grandma died, I feel the same way about mom.  I wasn't there enough, I did not visit or take time to call or to get to know her better.  There's a part of me that feels numb.  Actually ever since my first miscarriage in January of 2004 I think it changed me.  It's like the grieving was so hard that nothing can compare because everything that comes my way, it's just understood in my mind that "that's what happens in life".  As the day goes on, I'm feeling more about mom's passing.  As memories come and go it's stirring things inside me.

I'm sure when the family gathers for her funeral/memorial service it will be the hardest for me.  I know that seeing every one's pain around me will trigger what I'm feeling.  I'm worried about my kids, I need to be strong for them.  I see them in so much pain and sadness and it breaks my heart.

She was taken way too soon.

Rest in peace mom, say hi to dad and everyone else who has gone on before you.  Please hug and kiss my 2 babies and grand babies waiting for me in heaven.    I love you and am so grateful for you, more than you will have ever known.

A Little Piece of Me

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Healing after pregnancy, infant, and child loss

I don’t know what it is about today.  Out of the blue, the subject of my miscarriage was brought in front of me once again.


As I was reading one of my favorite blogs The Wiegands I came across a gift she received recently for her pregnancy loss which she shares about on her blog.  The gift was on her Facebook page which eventually lead me to the source of the gift.

I have been searching for something that would be the perfect reminder for my baby since the day I miscarried on January 12, 2004.  I was 11-1/2 weeks pregnant when it happened although I knew at 9-1/2 weeks that my baby did not have a heartbeat and had stopped growing very early on.

I am sitting here tearing up at all the things I discovered today.

Sand Butterflies at The Seashore of Remembrance

source

You can read more about Carly's story at Carly Marie Project Heal

Healing after pregnancy, infant, and child loss

You can read more about Christian's Beach here: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

it is the location that she does the butterfly drawings in the sand.

These three links above from Carly have really good resources for pregnancy, infant, and child loss.

Then I stumbled upon this 

my heart necklace from Lisa Leonard Designs.

As soon as I saw this necklace in her "in memory" collection and read these words
"I hold your heart in mine", I started tearing up.

At 9-1/2 weeks gestation we found out our baby had no heartbeat. I had a missed miscarriage and went on to carry my baby inside my body for another 2 weeks till I miscarried at home.  You can read more about it here.

I have been torn and confused for many years over those words "your baby has no heartbeat".  Was my baby alive at all?  Was there a heartbeat at one point?  When did it stop?  When does it make a baby a live being with a soul... at the time the heart starts beating or at conception?  I still wonder about these things and although I do believe that at conception there is life... for me personally I need to know the answer so that I can properly remember, let go, and have a clear understanding of the event itself.

These simple words "I hold your heart in mine" brought me to tears because even though my baby had no heartbeat, all of us in that ultrasound room saw my baby's heart on the screen.  When I read these words I know that even though my baby had no heartbeat of it's own from that moment we were aware... I always had my baby's heart alive in mine and will always carry it with me till the day I die.

Writing this I am crying.  Out of nowhere these feelings have surfaced I think to help me to grasp what it is I needed all along.  To gain a better understanding of what has happened.

This is so emotional for me, I know this post must not make sense but I need to write this as it's coming to me, to get it out.

I read somewhere recently that each time we tell our pregnancy loss story, our baby is brought to life.  It is their way of making a difference in this world which they did not get to be a part of.  Though they are invisible to many and forgotten by many... they have a role they play even though their existence was a short one.  Each time we reach out to others who have lost a baby, they are telling their story and healing those hearts.

The whole reason in me writing this post was to pass along these resources I found today.  I know there are many of you reading today who have been in my shoes or know of someone who has or will.  I could not pass up this opportunity to share something that I have been looking for... for so long.

All my heart…

Salena

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The Day the Nation Stood Still

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Remembering 9/11

I was in a dead sleep when my husband came into the room and woke me up.  “A plane crashed into a building”, he said.  I was so tired I didn’t comprehend what he was saying.  He kept coming back into the room to wake me up.  “Another plane crashed into another building”, he said.  I finally woke up, “What?!”.

I rushed out into the living room and watched the news.  I sat there and could not believe what I was seeing.  It was surreal.  The more I watched, the more it sunk in. 

How could this happen?

Why did this happen?

Oh my God, what about all the people?

The faces of all the people flashed on the screen and their expressions ripped through my heart.

By the time we saw the coverage it was about 6am on a weekday.

I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

Do I go to work?  Do my kids go to school?  What am I going to do?

I called my job and everyone was going in, there was no talk about closing the office.

I was so emotional.  I was upset.  How can something like this be happening, we were under attack and my office which is in no way essential to anyone to be open on that day,  was expecting all of us to come in?

What about my kids?  I did not want to send them to school.  I wanted to sit there and hold them and be with them.  I thought of all the families who lost their loved ones, who were going to lose their loved ones and will never be with them again.  I just wanted to be home with my family.

I regret sending my kids to school all because my job did not excuse us to stay home.  Every year on this day, I always think the same thing.  I should have stayed home, we all should have stayed home.

I went to work and everyone was in the conference room off and on watching the news.  I could have been doing that at home with my kids. 

Hearing the reports of all the people who were missing and all the heroes who helped that day… I cannot fathom what went on over at Ground Zero.

Just the mention of 9/11 carries so much weight in my heart, especially when the anniversary of the event comes upon us.

I cannot believe it’s been 10 years.  It seems like it just happened yesterday.  Although I know what happened and have watched news footage from every angle and every direction repeatedly over the past 10 years… I cannot step away from it replaying again.

I sit and watch as if it’s happening all over again. 

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One thing I am grateful for is being a witness to how ordinary people, strangers even, came together in unity on that day and the years that followed.  

I am reminded that God is revealed through others when everything is crumbling around us.

Source: etsy.com via Salena on Pinterest

Source: joyshope.com via Salena on Pinterest

All my heart,
Salena

Remembering our precious baby

Remembering Baby Lee...

On my sister's Wedding Day
April 1996



When I met my husband, I was a single mother with three young kids. My oldest daughter, Ashley was 9 years old, my son, Kapono was 6 years old and my youngest daughter, Saphire was 5 years old.  We got engaged after going steady for 1 year, then were married 3-1/2 months later.

On our Wedding Day
April 1997

We agreed to wait till Saphire, the youngest was in her last year of elementary school to start trying to have a baby. The wait was almost 3 years.

When we started trying I was so excited. I longed to have a baby with my husband from before we were married. I knew it was what I wanted.

The months went by and no pregnancy.

All of a sudden, everyone around us was getting pregnant and having babies.

After years of charting, spending money on ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, infertility drugs, and then one round of Intrauterine Insemination, Five years after we were married, we finally got pregnant. I took a pregnancy test at home and was a little confused because the line was so light. But it was positive. I got right on the computer to type up some scriptures and poems in a letter to my husband to tell him the great news. I sealed it in an envelope with the positive pregnancy test.  

I remember the look on his face and he softly mumbled the words, "are you sure?".  I gave him the envelope when he was barely awake.

We were spending that day with friends and family.  There was a movie and trimming the Christmas tree to follow at our house.  When we went to the movie, we handed everyone the letter I gave to my husband for them to receive the news that way. Everyone was so excited.

When my dad read the letter, he started to cry.  He said he knew how much we wanted a baby and how long we had tried.  It was such a touching moment I will never forget.

The following weekday, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers at work.  My mom had ordered flowers to congratulate me on the baby.  It was big and colorful and it sat on a file cabinet between me and another co-worker.  No one really knew what it was for because no one said anything.  My co-worker always got flowers from her husband so everyone just thought it was another special occasion for her.  Eventually everyone in the office caught on and was so happy for me.

Early on, I started having some cramping.  Then I started spotting lightly.  I knew deep down inside something was wrong.  My doctor said everything seemed fine.  Because this was an assisted pregnancy, we knew pretty early on that I was expecting.  At about 5-1/2 weeks we went in to check the heartbeat, there was nothing.  Doctor said to wait a few weeks and he would check again.  So we went back in, nothing.  So he scheduled an ultrasound in radiology at the hospital.

As soon as I got into the room, I suspected the worse.  My heart sank and I was so scared.  On the back of the door was a chart.  A chart which maps out the way baby grows and how big baby is at certain stages of the pregnancy.  I knew... baby was not as big as the baby on the picture even at the 5-1/2 week scan.  I mentioned to my husband about what my thoughts were about the chart and why we were there.

The technician came in, started the scan, asked me, "How far along did you say you were?"  "I'll be right back, I'm going to call the Ob/Gyn on staff and will get her to try to find the heartbeat".

Still no heartbeat.

The Doctor came in, started to scan, asked me again, "How far along are you?".

How many times are you people going to ask me this??!!!  Isn't it on your paper???

The Doctor explained that sometimes, it's hard to see and sometimes the dates get mixed up.  We'll try again in a week.

It was Christmas Eve.  I had a horrible holiday.  All I could think of was something was wrong and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

A week passed, it was New Years Eve.  We went back in for our scan and the same Doctor came in to do it.  She said there was no heartbeat.  She called my Doctor and said for us to head up to his office so he can explain things to us.  

When we got to his office, I was kind of in shock.  I knew what was going on but not really at the same time.  We sat down and he told us that there was no heartbeat.  I didn't understand.  He told me I had what is called a missed miscarriage.  I had never heard of it before but I heard miscarriage loud and clear.

I was devastated!!!  He explained that it was a missed miscarriage.  The pregnancy just stops and you don't notice till pregnancy symptoms start to vanish and when they do scans, the baby has no heartbeat and stops growing.

I couldn't stop crying.

I chose to let baby expel naturally because I could not willingly choose to terminate my pregnancy by allowing him to do a D&C to remove my pregnancy from my body.

I remember the ride home.  I was crying so hard and was just so depressed.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I asked my husband to get me some chicken strips from a drive through and some juice.  It was the only thing that made me feel better when I was nauseated from the pregnancy.  We went home, crawled into bed and just cried.  It was so hard.  I remember those feelings as I write this.  Eventually we both fell asleep.  When we woke up we knew we had to tell everyone.  Our kids, I worried what they would think.

At that time we found out we were going to lose our baby, I was 9 weeks pregnant.  I carried my baby inside me for another 2-1/2 weeks.  The whole time I just prayed that it wasn't true, that God would intercede and my baby would be fine.  It was hard.  I went to work and my friends were consoling me.   I explained to them that I didn't have the miscarriage yet.  It was so confusing.

I remember the day it happened.  It was January 12, 2004.  It was like I was in labor, the pain was so unbearable.  I was at home with no medical staff at a few days away from being 3 months pregnant.  No one told me it was going to be like this. It was excruciating.  The entire event lasted about 6 hours.  I was so sad.  Grieving for my baby who I had dreamed about, planned for, had dreams and hopes for.

We did not know the sex of our baby.  My husband likes to think it was a son.  On this, what would have been our baby's 7th Birthday, my husband gave me a name.  He said to me "this is what I want baby's name to be"

Brandon Keoni Siu Luhng Lee

My heart melted.


We had never talked about it before.  All these years I thought I was being too emotional about it by remembering baby's memorial day and birthday and always talking about it every year.  I have come to realize that our baby is on his heart, always has been.


I will never forget.  It has gotten easier to deal with but some days are very difficult.


As the years go by I wonder what our baby would be doing if not for being taken so soon.


I do have a better understanding and compassion for those who have suffered from miscarriage.  For that I am grateful.  I know God is using me in a way he wouldn't have been able to if I had not personally gone through this.  It has hit close to home because my oldest daughter also suffered a missed miscarriage early in her pregnancy.  I was a help to her because of what i went through.  We both comfort one another when our babies anniversaries and birthday's come around.


God has truly blessed my husband and I because since this tragedy, God has blessed us with 3 daughters.  All with their different stories which I will share with everyone at another time.


Thank you for sharing with me in remembering our baby.

All my heart,

Salena