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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Un-inspired and an anniversary

So... I've been a bit un-inspired lately.  I have not had any interest to even turn on my computer, check my emails or facebook.  It's like there is nothing going on in my head that I want to share.  I sit, tell myself I need to write something, get inspired... 


It's like I just went blank.

When I was pregnant 1-1/2 weeks ago I was a mess emotionally and was not in my right mind to write anything.

Oh... well tomorrow, in about 45 minutes my time here in Hawaii, it will be the 8th anniversary of our first miscarriage.  Seems so strange that just 12 days ago we lost our second baby and here we are up to another year of remembering our first.

I think this time around I'm just numb.  This miscarriage has even changed the way I feel about my first one.  Like this last pregnancy was so super intense on me emotionally that now that my hormones are leaving me and going back to normal, they have left me completely.

I am by nature a very passionate and emotional person.  This is not normal for me to feel nothing and to be numb.  Maybe it's a form of grieving?

All my life I have never even considered that I would ever lose a baby let alone two.  The first time I about died inside.  It was our first pregnancy together.  A miracle after 5 years of infertility struggles.

This last pregnancy was a complete surprise.  Everyday I would need to remind myself that I was pregnant.  Now, I wake up and need to remind myself that my baby is gone.

Everyone asks me how I'm doing and I say "I'm fine", because I really feel fine.  Physically and emotionally.  But I know I must not be fine because this is not me.  I am not one to not have feelings about something so huge.  I'm not sure what is going on.

I'm sure one day it will click and I'll know what's going on inside me but for now I'll just pray that God will reveal it to me.

Today I will be remembering my first precious angel baby while still coming to the reality of losing my second precious angel baby just 12 days ago.

Thanks for listening.
Huge Love...
Xoxo, Salena s

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the Momma Bird said...

oh sweetie :( i am so sorry. what you are feeling is completely normal for what you are going through. that's what happens to me when something is just too hard to face. and then one day it will hit me and then i know it's time to move forward.
i'll be praying for you. hang in there!

Kristine Foley @ TheFoleyFam said...

Hang in there Salena!! You are such a strong person, a strong momma!! I know you don't feel like it at times, and that's ok. Praying for you friend.

Reannah @ {Shaped by Grace} said...

I'm so sorry for your losses Salena. What you are feeling is totally normal. You ARE strong and I'll pray that God continues to heal your heart and raise you up. Hang in there. xo, Reannah

Collette Osuna said...

My heart is with you...I lost my son at the age of 11 in Oct of 2000 I have NEVER been the same. I can funtion of course, sometimes just going through the motions of a day.....my heart and head are always with him.

I will keep you in my prayers!

Daily Inspiration of Pretty Things!

Jodi Hall said...

I have suffered 3 miscarriages. I totally feel your pain. You are a strong woman and you can get through this. My heart and prayers are with you :(

Favreau ~ SSC said...

Dear Salena,
I didn't know you were feeling this way. You know you can call me anytime. Having two miscarriages is a horrible reality to face. You need to talk about what you are feeling so that it doesn't get bottled up and disrupt your daily life.
I can't imagine how devastating it is to come to the reality of loosing a baby no matter how many weeks old it is. But God has a reason for everything and even though this is tragic, he has blessed you with Dakota and Hayden between your two angel babies. :0)
I love you, Salena!

Ashley said...

Salena, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish I could do more for you but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Nicole said...

What you are feeling is normal. I am sorry for what you experience. I too loss my baby. Feel better honey.


Tracy Jensen said...

Salena....I am keeping you in my prayers.

Ronni @ Anywhere Is said...

My Dear, you are definitely grieving. **hugs** Take all the time you need.


lovejoy_31 said...

I am truly so very sorry for you losses. I have had three miscarriages and you just can't understand or explain the feelings unless you have suffered the loss. Found your blog through Casey.

A Joyful Life

Kelsey of Poofy Cheeks said...

Salena I am so sorry for your loss! I have two boys, but I went through the same thing a few weeks ago too. I totally feel your pain and know what you mean when you say you have to tell yourself you aren't pregant anymore. Just Sunday somebody told me congratulations and it took all I had to hold back the tears. The feelings just rushed right through me all over again. Hugs!!! - Kelsey