Early Tuesday morning I got a phone call from my daughter with the sad news that their Grandma passed away. This is their dad's mom, my ex-boyfriend's mom.
When I was 16 years old, my oldest daughter and I went to live with them. She treated me like I was one of her daughters, always, even after her son and I broke up. I always called her mom and she always referred to herself as mom when she called me or on cards.
When I married my husband, she treated him like her son-in-law. Referred to herself as mom. She was Grandma to my 3 little girls and there was never a question of who was related by how and who where what why. It was only in March of this year that my little girls found out how she is related to us. They didn't care because there is no difference. Their family has always loved me, my husband and my little girls the same, equally as they loved my older kids and their own family. All these years my little girls thought my husband was their 3 older sibling's father.
She took in my oldest daughter when we hit a very rough patch with her and did the same, treated her like she was her own. Same with my son, she took him in when he had no where to go during a very traumatic time in our family. Same thing, treated him as her own.
She has taken on so much for me and my kids and I feel like I did not thank her enough.
Just like when my grandma died, I feel the same way about mom. I wasn't there enough, I did not visit or take time to call or to get to know her better. There's a part of me that feels numb. Actually ever since my first miscarriage in January of 2004 I think it changed me. It's like the grieving was so hard that nothing can compare because everything that comes my way, it's just understood in my mind that "that's what happens in life". As the day goes on, I'm feeling more about mom's passing. As memories come and go it's stirring things inside me.
I'm sure when the family gathers for her funeral/memorial service it will be the hardest for me. I know that seeing every one's pain around me will trigger what I'm feeling. I'm worried about my kids, I need to be strong for them. I see them in so much pain and sadness and it breaks my heart.
She was taken way too soon.
Rest in peace mom, say hi to dad and everyone else who has gone on before you. Please hug and kiss my 2 babies and grand babies waiting for me in heaven. I love you and am so grateful for you, more than you will have ever known.
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