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Thursday, March 8, 2012

On My Heart



There is something that's been on my heart that I felt like I needed to get out.  Not for anyone really, but just for me.


Sometime in November last year, there were reports of many bloggers announcing their pregnancies.  I was like "really"?  I had not heard, not one announcement.  Time went on and more and more bloggers were saying that there were even more announcements, I still did not hear of any.


Then on Thanksgiving I suspected something was not right with me.  I wasn't feeling well, I was super tired, and beyond emotional.  At the end of November... SURPRISE!! I found out I was expecting!  I now became one of the many, many bloggers who were announcing their BIG NEWS.


Funny, even after I found out I was expecting, told everyone I needed to tell, and then blogged our BIG SHOCKING NEWS, I still did not hear anyone else blog about or talk about their pregnancies.


Then...


Once we discovered our baby died and went through the horrible miscarriage at home...


There it was...


Everyone who could possibly be pregnant... it was like all the announcements, news, updates, celebrations were on hold because as soon as we lost our baby that's when I saw them all.


I mean, it might not have phased me as much if I got all this news before I got pregnant.  I mean, not that I did not know others were expecting and that there was news all over blog land that "there must be something in the blogging water", I got that.  But first hand news from each expecting blogger, I did not see.


I was actually dreading announcing our pregnancy because I know of others who had experienced loss very recently.  I know how it feels to want to be pregnant but dealing with infertility.  I know how it feels to lose a baby at 11-1/2 weeks but know at 9-1/2 weeks that my baby did not have a heartbeat way back at the 5 week visit.


All of a sudden, I am back to that place.  The place where it's hard to hear of others becoming pregnant, the not wanting to be invited to baby showers, the being sad because others are planning, preparing, and getting ready for the birth of their babies.


I HATE feeling like this.


I remember when I felt like this in the past when we were dealing with infertility and then when I had my first miscarriage.  


I never thought I would be in "this place" again.  I don't like it.  I don't like having this sense of being unsettled when I am trying to be happy for someone else.  Speaking of joy and blessings towards others but feeling sad inside.


I am beyond excited and genuinely happy for those who are expecting.  Having a baby is truly a miracle and a gift.  Having a baby is such a delicate matter.  Only God knows, only God is in control of each of these miracles, not us.  I know He is in control of what happened to our 2 precious babies.  I know He knows what happened with each of them even though I do not.  I know they are with Him safe and sound, waiting for me.


Some days it's enough.  Some days, it doesn't make it any easier.

via barn owl primatives

Linking up here.
xoxo, Salena



20 comments:

Nay said...

praying for your peace, mama...

Cassie @ Live.Laugh.L0ve. said...

Praying for you sweet friend.

The Painters Patch said...

Oh wow, so sorry for your loss. Very brave of you to open up about it too. We struggled with infertility for 4 years before we conceived our daughter. It was the hardest challenge of my life. I avoided all things baby during that time too. People thought I was being selfish with my time, but really I was trying to not crumble and ruin their joy. Hang in there, and thanks for sharing.

Katie said...

Salena - thank you for sharing your heart. I can't imagine dealing with that, and to go through it twice. My husband and I are going through fertility treatments right now and I have a hard time when I find out someone is pregnant and feel like it is happening all the time all around me. I work on trusting that God has a perfect plan and know he is in control, but it is really hard many days. You will be in my prayers!

Mrs AOK said...

I'm sorry for your loss... Hopefully sharing with us your struggle will heal your soul.. I think it is wonderful that you are sharing. I wish for peace for you and your family.
xoxo

Tiffany said...

Awww, I'm so sorry, Salena. I know the pain of losing a baby. I'll be praying for your heart to heal!

Kim Brison said...

I have had a couple of miscarriages myself. Prayers for peace for you. xxoo

bonbon said...

This is a beautiful post- so raw and open and honest. I appreciate you being able to do that and talk about the harder things in life. I don't know why it is human nature to struggle to feel happy for others when we are experiencing so much pain. But it is normal and it's okay that you feel that pang of jealous because you are grieving so naturally others' news of pregnancies is going to be difficult. I lost my dad two years ago and it's almost impossible for me to listen to people talk about their dads or to read blog posts about hanging out with the old man. I get so jealous and sad, so just know that you are not alone in your pain.

new follower :)
bonnie
bonnielouisa.blogspot.com

Amber said...

Hoping your healing gets a little easier each day. I am here for you if you need anything. xoxo

Amanda said...

Salena I can't even imagine how hard it is for you. I'm so sorry - praying for you right now.

Emily Kate said...

So sorry for your loss momma.

Kristina Streeter said...

I'm praying for you to help you find peace within your heart. I know what you mean about everyone announcing their pregnancy - it feels like everyone. We're trying but haven't had success yet - so although I'm happy for them, naturally I get a little bummed - but reading this post, the little bit of disappointment I have inside myself when I hear others' news is not even a fraction of the heartache you feel.
Love and prayers.

Sue said...

I'm so sad for you. I hope you can find your peace. I'm sending you lots of love.

Ashley said...

Oh Salena, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I went through something similar before I got pregnant the first time around and I didn't like feeling that way but I did and it is natural and good for you for talking about it. I wish I had talked about my emotions more...maybe it would have helped.

thinking of you!

I'm Karen said...

I wish I had the perfect words for you to give you that peace and comfort. I wish I could make all your pain and sadness go away. I will pray for you!

Amanda @ Raising Miss Mommy said...

Beautiful post, it takes a lot to speak honestly from the heart. Prayers, love and peace your way.

The Dainty Dolls House said...

Beautiful...I know God is watching over you!! I've never been through this, but know children are so precious. I pray for you to be filled with, hope, love and peace!! xx

Tracy Jensen said...

My sweet friend....
I understand a little..
when we found out that Kumaka had Spina Bifida, I had a really hard time with all of the happy, joyous soon to be moms with a healthy baby.
I will keep you in my heart and prayers...
((HUGS))

Tracy Jensen said...

My sweet friend....
I understand a little..
when we found out that Kumaka had Spina Bifida, I had a really hard time with all of the happy, joyous soon to be moms with a healthy baby.
I will keep you in my heart and prayers...
((HUGS))

Nicole Marie said...

You are very, very brave and encouraging. I can understand that feeling when pregnancy was already then you found out you were pregnant because that was the same way for me. Will keep your little one in my prayers!