There is something that's been on my heart that I felt like I needed to get out. Not for anyone really, but just for me.
Sometime in November last year, there were reports of many bloggers announcing their pregnancies. I was like "really"? I had not heard, not one announcement. Time went on and more and more bloggers were saying that there were even more announcements, I still did not hear of any.
Then on Thanksgiving I suspected something was not right with me. I wasn't feeling well, I was super tired, and beyond emotional. At the end of November... SURPRISE!! I found out I was expecting! I now became one of the many, many bloggers who were announcing their BIG NEWS.
Funny, even after I found out I was expecting, told everyone I needed to tell, and then blogged our BIG SHOCKING NEWS, I still did not hear anyone else blog about or talk about their pregnancies.
Once we discovered our baby died and went through the horrible miscarriage at home...
There it was...
Everyone who could possibly be pregnant... it was like all the announcements, news, updates, celebrations were on hold because as soon as we lost our baby that's when I saw them all.
I mean, it might not have phased me as much if I got all this news before I got pregnant. I mean, not that I did not know others were expecting and that there was news all over blog land that "there must be something in the blogging water", I got that. But first hand news from each expecting blogger, I did not see.
I was actually dreading announcing our pregnancy because I know of others who had experienced loss very recently. I know how it feels to want to be pregnant but dealing with infertility. I know how it feels to lose a baby at 11-1/2 weeks but know at 9-1/2 weeks that my baby did not have a heartbeat way back at the 5 week visit.
All of a sudden, I am back to that place. The place where it's hard to hear of others becoming pregnant, the not wanting to be invited to baby showers, the being sad because others are planning, preparing, and getting ready for the birth of their babies.
I HATE feeling like this.
I remember when I felt like this in the past when we were dealing with infertility and then when I had my first miscarriage.
I never thought I would be in "this place" again. I don't like it. I don't like having this sense of being unsettled when I am trying to be happy for someone else. Speaking of joy and blessings towards others but feeling sad inside.
I am beyond excited and genuinely happy for those who are expecting. Having a baby is truly a miracle and a gift. Having a baby is such a delicate matter. Only God knows, only God is in control of each of these miracles, not us. I know He is in control of what happened to our 2 precious babies. I know He knows what happened with each of them even though I do not. I know they are with Him safe and sound, waiting for me.
Some days it's enough. Some days, it doesn't make it any easier.
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