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Monday, September 26, 2011

Healing after pregnancy, infant, and child loss

I don’t know what it is about today.  Out of the blue, the subject of my miscarriage was brought in front of me once again.

As I was reading one of my favorite blogs The Wiegands I came across a gift she received recently for her pregnancy loss which she shares about on her blog.  The gift was on her Facebook page which eventually lead me to the source of the gift.

I have been searching for something that would be the perfect reminder for my baby since the day I miscarried on January 12, 2004.  I was 11-1/2 weeks pregnant when it happened although I knew at 9-1/2 weeks that my baby did not have a heartbeat and had stopped growing very early on.

I am sitting here tearing up at all the things I discovered today.

Sand Butterflies at The Seashore of Remembrance


You can read more about Carly's story at Carly Marie Project Heal
Healing after pregnancy, infant, and child loss

You can read more about Christian's Beach here: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/
it is the location that she does the butterfly drawings in the sand.

These three links above from Carly have really good resources for pregnancy, infant, and child loss.

Then I stumbled upon this 

my heart necklace from Lisa Leonard Designs.

As soon as I saw this necklace in her "in memory" collection and read these words
"I hold your heart in mine", I started tearing up.

At 9-1/2 weeks gestation we found out our baby had no heartbeat. I had a missed miscarriage and went on to carry my baby inside my body for another 2 weeks till I miscarried at home.  You can read more about it here.

I have been torn and confused for many years over those words "your baby has no heartbeat".  Was my baby alive at all?  Was there a heartbeat at one point?  When did it stop?  When does it make a baby a live being with a soul... at the time the heart starts beating or at conception?  I still wonder about these things and although I do believe that at conception there is life... for me personally I need to know the answer so that I can properly remember, let go, and have a clear understanding of the event itself.

These simple words "I hold your heart in mine" brought me to tears because even though my baby had no heartbeat, all of us in that ultrasound room saw my baby's heart on the screen.  When I read these words I know that even though my baby had no heartbeat of it's own from that moment we were aware... I always had my baby's heart alive in mine and will always carry it with me till the day I die.

Writing this I am crying.  Out of nowhere these feelings have surfaced I think to help me to grasp what it is I needed all along.  To gain a better understanding of what has happened.

This is so emotional for me, I know this post must not make sense but I need to write this as it's coming to me, to get it out.

I read somewhere recently that each time we tell our pregnancy loss story, our baby is brought to life.  It is their way of making a difference in this world which they did not get to be a part of.  Though they are invisible to many and forgotten by many... they have a role they play even though their existence was a short one.  Each time we reach out to others who have lost a baby, they are telling their story and healing those hearts.

The whole reason in me writing this post was to pass along these resources I found today.  I know there are many of you reading today who have been in my shoes or know of someone who has or will.  I could not pass up this opportunity to share something that I have been looking for... for so long.

All my heart


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Favreau ~ SSC said...

Salena, what you wrote is so beautiful. I feel bad that I wasn't there for you on that day. I can't imagine what it was like for you to have lost your growing baby.

I think that it is a blessing that you have this blog where you can share your thoughts and feelings with others. You never know when your words will touch someone's heart. :0).

I love you,


Lisa said...

I ~heart~ this blog post! Made me remember my own Riley and his birth and death. I LOVE, LOVE that necklace. I never thought about it the way described, but it makes sense and it would be a wonderful to remember and cherish your own little one!~

Karen said...

Such a beautiful post Salena. I wish I could reach out and hug you!! That necklace is so beautiful. I miscarried in between my 2 kids and pretty much ignored that it happened. I decided to sweep it under the rug but the more i have been reading about other's, the more I start to think and wonder and feel for it again.

Kaitlyn said...

No words can truly comfort after a loss, but thank you for sharing your story.

Kristine @ JandMs Eye Candy said...

Oh Salena!

My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing strong woman. Love and hugs to you!